Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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