gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
