Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
