Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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