Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
