"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
A bitchslap is in order.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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