I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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