found the other keg... it's in the tree
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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