hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Randomize
