Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
