you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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