I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
