it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Randomize
