No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
