I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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