My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
