I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
