i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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