Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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