You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize