you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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