saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
