I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Randomize
