the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
