cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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