i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
