9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
