The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
