So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
