From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
