I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
literally had 100 drinks last night.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
