you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
