just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
