you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
