I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
