In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
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There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
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The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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