If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
