I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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