Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
