In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
