Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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