had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
