I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
If I die, sorry about rent.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
