omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
