Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Randomize
