I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
