WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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