Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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