Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
