speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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