I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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