Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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