From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
