I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
