can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Drunk is not a location!
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
