The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
