i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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