whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
he shaved USA in his pubs
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
